You might be a redneck if. . .
You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
You burn trash in your Sunday clothes.
You buy lard wholesale.
You call the operator to get the number for 911.
You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
You can distinguish between the taste of 'possum and groundhog, blindfolded.
You can do a moose mating call from an orifice other than your mouth.
You can drink beer through your nose.
You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper.
You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
You can readily describe the taste of squirrel.
You check your shirt to spell your name.
You clean your hands daily with gasoline.
You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
You cried the day your son killed his first buck.
You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your intestinal gas attacks.
You don't recognize several relatives when they're sober.
You drew "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.
You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.
You get homesick watching COPS.
You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
You give "chinette" as a wedding present.
You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.
You go to the ear, nose, and throat doctor to have your finger removed.
You go to your sister's wedding just to kiss the bride.
You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
You have a feed store nightgown.
You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You have a subscription to Hound Dogs Today.
You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
You have fake fur on your dashboard.
You have lots of hubcaps on your house, but none on your cars.
You have three first names.*
You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
You have your wife check the depth of the water before you drive your truck through it.
You keep a shot gun loaded with rock salt by the front door.
Your favorite cologne is diesel exhaust.
You know your daddy's C.B. handle, but not his real name.
You leave everything in your will to your mule.
You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
You made a cheat sheet for the hunter safety test.
You made jewelry out of your gallstones.
You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
You make your wife ride in the back of the truck so the dog won't get sick.
You met your wife through a "personal ad" written on the men's room wall.
You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.
You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.*
You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
You pick your nose in line at the bank.
You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get 4 teeth knocked out.
You practice fishing off your front porch.
You proudly display a collection of automobile-shaped cologne bottles.
You regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying."
You rip a loud one and blame your date.
You run out of beer and your friends go home.
You shave your legs with your husband's fishing knife.
You showed up drunk for your D.U.I hearing.
You stockpile motor oil.
You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.
You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on 'possum.
You think Liberation was that funny-dressed guy who played the piano.
You think Long John Silver is formal underwear.
You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.
You trim your beard and find a french fry.
You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
You use your daughter's wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.
You videotape fishing shows.
You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
Your favorite cologne is that hot engine oil smell.
You wear tube socks with a dress.
You went to the gun and knife show more than once in the same weekend.
You were driving a tractor before you could walk.
You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables.
You write off a ammunition as a business expense.
Your and your wife's family reunion are one and the same.
Your arms are hairless from checking your knife's sharpness.
Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
Your belt buckle trips the airport metal detector even when you aren't at the airport.
Your best linens have Property of White County Detention Center printed on them.
Your birth announcements included the words "trike engine."
Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.
Your car alarm eats dog food.
Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
Your chili's secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don't care.
Your dog goes "oink."