You might be a redneck if. . .
Your family business requires a fast car and empty gallon jugs.
Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.
Your first pet was a chicken.
Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.
Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
Your horse can count higher than you.
Your horse lives in a better place than you do.
Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
Your idea of cleaning house is throwing everything in the back yard.
Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
Your little black book is a string of cocktail napkins.
Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as "the mansion on the hill."
Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.
Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your retirement plans include getting your own place.
Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.
Your school colors are camouflage.
Your tooth has a cavity.
Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.
Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.
Your wife's arms got so big from pushing your car.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
You ever surfed the bed of a moving pick-up truck.
You wear coveralls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
You put a spit cup in your truck for your date.
You stockpile Redman.
You ever showed up drunk for a job interview.
You ever ran out of beer and called 9-1-1 to deal with the emergency.
You ever got in a fight over which is better: fried trout or fried catfish.
You regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with “Fishin’!”
You think binoculars are just a scope for cross-eyed people.
Your waist size is higher than your IQ.
You still shop a K-Mart ‘cuz Kohl’s is too uppity.
You have pets named for different brands of hunting clothes.* (I met a dog named Carhartt riding in a horse trailer with a horse named Realtree!)