You might be a redneck if. . .

1701. You change your e-mail address to include some form of the word “redneck.” * (Gail...)

1702. You burn old furniture for an annual Christmas bonfire.

1703. You hear the phrase “E-Z Out” and think of a bail bondsman instead of a tool. * (local radio comercial for E-Z-Out bail bondsman)

1704. You know where a Live Bait vending machine is. * (At the nearest Wal-Mart, of course...)

1705. The baby cart behind your bike has "Cowboy Up!" and "Head South"

bumper stickers. * (Jo 'n' Gail...)

1706. Your county has less than 5 stop lights (and two or more are in town). *

1707. You were ever acquitted for murder by pleading “He needed killin’.”

1709. You’ve ever lost a home to kudzu.

1710. Your truck has ever been passed by a mule pulling a plow.

1711. You ever wore a tube top to a funeral.

1712. You ever opened a beer during a funeral you were at.

1713. You work with out your shirt on and so dies your husband!

1714. You have ever ridden an electric buffer.  (Participation in a buffer rodeo guarantees you ARE a redneck)

1715. You have ever emptied the bed of your truck by driving up a steep hill. *

1716. You can’t watch certain TV shows without yelling to everybody that you recognize that “Big city” it’s set in because you’ve been there. (Sorry Dad-‘Hey that’s Chicago!’) If the big city was Monroe, Ga, you are a hopeless redneck.

1717. You differentiate between yellow John Deere’s and green ones. *

1718. You have a favorite recipe for: raccoon, possum, road kill.

1719. You have a watch that will tell you when to go fishing. *

1720. Your governor goes by a nickname rather than use his own. (as in Sonny) *

1721. You know the best way to “beat traffic” in a town with only two traffic lights. *

1722. You live in a town where the night shift cops (city and sheriff)

hang out at the 24 hour mini-mart. *

1723. Part of your daily commute involves dodging kudzu.

1724. You know more words for the Redneck Dictionary than Jeff Foxworthy.

1725. Your high school’s cliques are based on camouflage patterns.

1726. Your cell number doesn’t involve a phone.

1727. You don’t understand how people have cars/trucks without gravel dings on the windshield.

1728. The sheriff ever loaned you his keys and cop car and let you out

to visit your sick mama.

1729. You’ve ever gotten into a fight over who makes the best BBQ.

1730. You’ve ever gotten into a fight over the best recipe for road kill.

1731. Your commute is ever slowed down by livestock. *

1732. You consider yourself a connoisseur of fine chewing tobacco.

1733. You have a relative known for bein’ the best tree climber in the county.

1734. You never switched from moonshinin’ to raising marijuana because

you consider yourself a traditionalist.

1735. The sheriff keeps a cell reserved for you.

1736. You drive to the next county to go to Wal-Mart. * (East, west, or south out of twon will get you t a Wal-mart in each county...)

1737. You know just how many school kids can ride a milk cow.

1738. You hear a highway name (such as GA 400)and think it’s a NASCAR event. (If you drive GA 400 like it’s NASCAR, you are just a well paid Redneck.)

1739. You know just how many collards are needed for a mess of greens.

1740. You have been to Amsterdam, Atlanta, Austin, Buffalo, Cairo, California, Cleveland, Cuba, Denver, Florence, Florida, Glasgow, Holland, Hollywood, Iberia, Japan, Lebanon, Lisbon, Louisiana, Mexico, Miami, Montreal, Montserrat, Moscow, Nashville, Nevada, Oakland, Oran, Oregon, Oxford, Paris, Philadelphia, Pittsburg, Richmond, Rome, Sante Fe, Sparta, Troy, Vienna, Versailles, Verona, Virginia, Warsaw, Washington, Windsor, or Yukon and never left Missouri!  (If you got out a map to see how many you

could go to in your state, you ARE a Redneck!)

1741. When you Jeff Foxworthy performing in front of a set having a sign saying “Crawford’s” and you wonder if it represents something in Crawford Alabama, Crawford Colorado, Crawford Georgia, Crawford Kansas, Crawford Kentucky, Crawford Maine, Crawford Mississippi, Crawford Missouri, Crawford Nebraska, Crawford Oklahoma, Crawford Tennessee, Crawford Texas, or Crawford West Virginia, or Crawford county Georgia, or Missouri.  (If you wonder if it’s your Granddaddy Crawford’s Feed store, you probably are a redneck.)

1742. You've ever lived somewhere because that's where your trailer broke down. * (seen it!)

1743. Your home has ever been involved in a DUI. * (the line before AND my in-laws!)

1744. You wear camouflage to Sunday morning church services, and no one thinks anything of it.

1745. You schedule at school includes Lab and you think its a huntin' dog training class. (if it IS a class for teachin' huntin' dogs, you're in a Redneck school!)

1746. The first week of deer season means substitute teachers for all your classes.

1747. You never were in school that week to know they were all substitute teachers.

1748. Your answering machine says you couldn't make it to the phone because it's down at the road and you are up at the house.

1749. Your web site includes pictures of or recipes for road kill.

1750. Your web site has a page devoted to the History of Brunswick Stew.

1751. You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

1752. Before pickin’ up your mother-in-law, you put a "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back the truck.

1753. You’ve ever argued over the origins of Brunswick Stew. *

1754. You burp and can say your full name with it. *

1755. You ain’t had no good Brunswick Stew since “Uncle Hut” passed away (without passin’ down his recipe!)

1756. The center piece on the dinner table at Big Mama's house is an original autographed work by a famous taxidermist.

1757. You argue over what IS Bar-be-que (as in slow cooked pork or ribs or just something on the grill or the sauce or…) *

1758. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off the wheels!

1759. You rode to school on a horse...and there was a hitchin' rail there

1760. The Jerry Springer Show reminds you of your last family reunion.

1761. You met your wife by calling a number you found on the restroom wall at a truck stop.

1762. Sunday dinner is planned around Spam. *

1763. The Jerry Springer Show refused to have you on “because even we wouldn’t do that on TV!”

1764. You buy the Jerry Springer Show “Banned from TV” videos to find relatives.

1765. Your family reunion always includes a tobacco spittin’ contest… and Granny always wins!

1766. You've painted over an ex-girlfriend's name on an overpass.

1767. Where you come from, "Hee-Haw" re-runs are considered educational documentaries.

1768. You ever borrowed livestock to ride to go on a date.

1769. Your shirts have a number over the breast pocket.

1770. Texas Tech considers your house a prime tornado product test site

1771. Grandpa's current wife is in high school.

1772. Goin’ to the laundrymat means cleanin’ out the bed of the truck.

1773. You fed your date French fries at Denny’s.

1774. Your car stereo speakers originally belonged to the drive-in.

1775. ATF has surrounded your trailer park more than twice this year.

1776. You use more black powder than George Washington's Continental Army.

1777. You throw beer cans out of the window of your truck…and your girlfriend shoots ‘em.

1778. You’ve ever picked up women outside the State Women’s Correctional Facility.

1779. Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.

1780. Your front yard got toilet papered and Mama thought it was "a gift from God".

1781. You go to the movies in groups of at least 18 because the sign says "17 and under not admitted".

1782. You know how far you can fling cow pies. *

1783. You can’t take this month’s bath ‘cause you’ve got beer iced down in the bath tub.

1784. You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.

1785. Your state raised the drinking age to 32 "to keep alcohol out of the schools!"

1786. You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

1787. Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.

1788. You use lava soap more than three times a day.

1789. Any family members last words were, "Hey y'all! Watch this!"

1790. You own more camouflage than the 1st Marine Division!

1791. Dressing up includes a John Deere hat and a cammie t-shirt.

1792. You think "boyz n the hood" are the guys down at the garage.

1793. Your neighbors build an 8 foot high privacy fence to completely enclose your property – without asking! * (seen it - a place I pass every day now has a privacy fence built by the neighbors!)

1794. Your family’s number 1 enemy is the revenuer.

1795. You ever put a six-pack in the casket just before they closed it.

1796. You judge drivin' distance by the number of beers you drink gettin' there.

1797. Your sorority sells camouflaged hats.

1798. You ride to school on a back hoe.

1799. You fix the flat tire on your truck by takin’ one off the house.

1800. You bring your dog to school with you. * (guilty!)