You might be a redneck if. . .

901. No matter which side of the tracks you live on, it’s the wrong side.

902. The front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.

903. You buy color-coordinated rope to tie down your hood.

904. You’ve ever written in Richard Petty’s name on a presidential ballot.

905. The “Save Naugahyde” protection group chooses your house as a picket site.

906. Your new job promotion means the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.

907. You honest-to-God in your heart believe that Ted Nugent rules.

908. You’ve ever driven a Firebird into the top of a tree.

909. The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.

910. A man asks you to dance and you take your clothes off and climb on a table.

911. During your wedding ceremony the minister said, ”Do you, Dewayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”

912. There is a laminated picture of Rambo on your headboard.

913. Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend’s tattoos.

914. You pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch for beer money.

915. You’ve ever had sex in a satellite dish.

916. You had a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.

917. Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.

918. Your sister’s educational goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.

919. You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.

920. You argue over the way to pronounce “Houston.”  (as in House-ton County Georgia vice Huse-ton Texas)

921. The dog is photographed at Olin Mills, while the kids get their pictures done at K-mart.

922. Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.

923. You go to the DMV to transfer the title of your new home.

934. You think lighter fluid is for sissies.

935. Your wife answers to cuz.

936. You have to take a week off of work to go have your teeth cleaned.

937. Your husband chews the same tobacco as your mother-in-law.

938. Your mother taught you how to skin a deer.

939. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

940. You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.

941. You repair your Styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.

942. Drying your clothes depends on the weather.

943. Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say so?

944. Your best linens have property of Motel 6 printed on them.  (Bonus points if they say “NSF Diego Garcia”)

945. You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.

946. You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.

947. You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.

948. The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.

949. The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.

950. Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.

951. You know how to cook a goat.

952. Your dog goes oink.

953. You have season tickets for the tractor pull.

954. Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.

955. Your uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.

956. You think espresso means 8 items or less.

957. You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.  (Bonus if you can substitute barracks or ship for hotel)

958. Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.

959. You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.

960. You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.

961. You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.

962. A night on the town includes city jail.

963. Your daddy has ever said you kids run down to the dump and see what they left.

964. You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.

965. Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.

966. Your house still has the “Wide Load” sign on it.

967. Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow, but she can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.

968. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

969. You think a stock tip is advice on worming you hogs.

970. Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to have a child as a result of an alien abduction.

971. you think a quarter horse is a ride in front of Wal-Mart.

972. You have more than one brother named Darryl.

973. You were acquitted of murdering your first wife after the judge learned she threw out your Elvis 45rpms.

974. You think watching wrasslin’ is foreplay.

975. The people on Jerry Springer remind you of your neighbors.  (Bonus point if Family members have been on)

976. Your whole family is Democrat, except little Mary.  She got to reading.

977. You think fast food is a ‘possum you hit at 65 mph.

978. You get dog hair out of your belly button.

979. You have a bumper sticker that says “My mother is an Honor Student at South Little Rock Junior High School.”

980. The Third Grade teacher says Bubba could be a mathematical genius ‘cause he’s got thirteen fingers.

981. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

982. Your Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.

983. You’ve ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

984. The FBI (or any other federal alphabet soup) has surrounded your trailer park more than twice this year.

985. You think a women who’s “out of your league” bowls an a different night.

986. Your brother-in-law is your uncle and your grandfather.

987. You met your wife at your family reunion.

988. Any one in your family died after saying “Y’all watch this!”

989. You never learned to swim because some one told you your gene pool was too small.

990. On Thanksgiving Day you’ve ever had to decide which pet to eat.

991. You don’t drink wine any more since that time you got a screw cap caught up your nose.

992. Your honeymoon was in Texarkana.

993. You have the word “howdy” on your answering machine.

994. You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

995. Last year, your kids hid your Easter eggs under cow pies.

996. You think the Winter Olympic sport of “curling” is part of the “Big hair” competition.

997. You’ve been banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.

998. You have more belt buckles than pants.

999. Your car stereo is worth more than the car it’s installed in.

1000. You might be a Redneck if you refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not a fad color and polyester when always be "in."