You might be a redneck if. . .

801. Your parrot can say “Open up, it’s the police!”

802. You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.

803. You think “recycling” means going home from work.

804. You think toilet water is exactly that.

805. You majored in cow tipping.

806. You shop for groceries at a gas station.

807. Your car stereo costs more than your car.  Specially if it’s from Radio shack...

808. You got cable just for TNN.
809. You have marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.

810. You live so far out in the country that your newspaper is yellow by the time you get it.

811. Your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.

812. Your dog can smoke a cigarette.

813. You’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.

814. You have a tattoo that says “Born to bag groceries.”

815. All the art in your living room was purchased at gas stations.

816. Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

817. Breakfast every morning is interrupted by someone asking “Anyone seen my teeth?”

818. You get your oil changed by your barber.

819. Girls’ night out is held at the Laundromat.

820. There is a ham hanging from your front porch...specially if it’s still in the can!

821. You can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.

822. Your car wakes up people when you drive down the street, especially if they recognize you!

823. You have to mow your driveway.

824. You can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

825. Directions to your house include ”don’t slow down crossing the creek.”

826. You give directions based on where things used to be. (Take a left where Red’s barn used to be) *

827. All you're missing to complete your "fine art" collection is the 1995 Coors beer stein. * (co-worker!)

828. You have a bumper sticker that says, "Charlton Heston is MY President."

829. You have a bumper sticker that says "Impeach Clinton! And get rid of Bill too."

830. Your personalized license plate includes abbreviations for Redneck somewhere in it. (same co-worker as the Coors Steins)

831. Your belt buckle is bigger than a dinner plate.

832. Any relatives got tied to the railroad tracks following a good night of gambling.

833. You think Ford trucks have gone to hell since they changed away from “Ford blue.”

834. On your honeymoon you leave the driving to Greyhound.

835. If you think Ford trucks just haven’t been worth a shit since ’74.  (#@%$*& Lee Iacocca!)

836. You owned more than one ’73 Ford Pinto. (If you owned more than one at any given time, you are a redneck!)

837. You live near the Hanford nuclear reactor to enjoy the “diverse fishing.” * (different co-worker)

838. Your best friend is a horse.

839. Your dogs are named for former girlfriends. * (not since I got married though...)

840. You ever decorated your Christmas tree with beer cans.

841. You know just how long to cook catfish on your truck’s headers.

842. Your granny is recognized by Philip-Morris as a chewing tobacco expert.

843. You consider your membership in the NRA as “community service.”

844. You do more hours of “community service” a week than you do at work.

845. You know the proper way to pronounce “Missouri.”

846. All the extra RAM slots on your computer are filled with Dodge truck parts. (Bonus points for if they are for a D2500 diesel)

847. You think schools in Mississippi aren’t that bad.

848. If any relatives were buried in a tube top...especially if it was a male relative.

849. If you actually know more than one way to skin a cat.

850. If you dig up Civil War musket balls in your back yard.

851. If you consider clean overalls and a white T-shirt formal attire.

852. If you frequent places where your wife is afraid of saying what state you’re from out loud.  (i.e. “Idaho” in a bar full of sailors)

853. If your granny taught you the proper way to torch a mobile home and not get caught.

854. During your wedding, your John Deere hat fell off when you kissed the bride.

855. You’ve ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.

856. Some one yells “Ho down” and your girlfriend hits the floor.

857. Your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police department.

858. The high light of your family reunion was your sister’s nude dancing debut.

859. You ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

860. If you think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

861. You use Wal-Mart bags for luggage.

862. Your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.

863. You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.

864. Some one asks to see your I.D. and you show them your ball cap.

865. Less than half the cars you own run.

866. You grow your sideburns longer and fuller because it looks so good on your sister.

867. Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.

868. You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom.

869. The UFO Hotline limits you to one call per day.

870. You’ve ever used your one phone call from jail to order pizza.

871. You made a homemade hot tub using a trolling motor.

872. You use your mailbox to hold up one end of your clothesline.

873. You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

874. You’ve ever lost a tooth to your wife’s cooking.

875. Hail hits your house and you take it to the body shop for an estimate.

876. You use a bed sheet for a sofa cover.

877. You have the full set of Elvis decanters.

878. You have a tattoo that says “Mother”…and it’s misspelled.

879. You didn’t put the pink plastic flamingoes in your yard as a joke.

880. The manager of the local sewage treatment plant tells you it’s time to wash your hair.

881. Everyone you meet can tell what kind of underwear you’re wearing.

882. Your wife’s hair-do has ever ruined a ceiling fan.

883. You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams Jr.

884. A man lights your cigarette and you show him your bra.

885. The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm... and has been for a year.

886. You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.

887. You consider a trip to Wal-Mart as a reason to dress up.

888. You’ve ever yelled “Rock the house, Bubba” during a piano recital.

889. Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

890. Your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.

891. Your famous for your squash wine.

892. You have to re-crank your car at every intersection.

893. Your neighbors start a petition over your Christmas lights.

894. You’ve ever ridden all the way to Florida with bare feet hanging out the window. (Even if you only came from Waycross, GA)

895. You consider duct tape along term investment.

896. Your grandmother has ever stopped to relieve herself on the side of the highway.

897. You grow corn in your front yard. *(witnessed more times than I can count)

898. You’ve ever hit a bump on the highway and lost half your possessions.

899. Every workday ends with the same argument over who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.

900. You’ve ever hit a jukebox with a cue stick.