You might be a redneck if. . .

701. You've ever used your hair brush to scale fish.

702. You've ever used a spotlight to go grocery shopping.

703. Your family ever wanders around the grocery store during the summer to stay cool. *

704. You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.

705. You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

706. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

707. You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

708. Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

709. Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

710. Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.

711. Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

712. Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."

713. You've ever hollered during a piano recital.

714. After removing the empty beer cans from your car you find you get fifteen more miles to the gallon.

715. You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.

716. You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.

717. You think paprika is a third-world country.

718. People hunt in your front yard.

719. Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

720. Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.

721. You give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.

722. The Marlboro man is your idol.

723. You can play “Achy Breaky Heart” on your turkey call.

724. You think Frosted Flakes cereal box should have a blood hound instead of a tiger.

725. You get your new boots dirty and sell your old ones that you never wore.

726. You shoot chickens with a tooth pick in your mouth and say the word bull’s eye!

727. You light fireworks during Christmas time.

728. Your at a wedding and you make a toast to the guy who bought your smashed up truck.

729. Your eating dinner with relatives and you offer grandma beer.

730. You have dirt on your jeans and your cooking pork on the grill. *

731. You shoot a turkey the day before Thanksgiving.

732. You trash your own car and you offer the guy who fixed it a cup of coffee.

733. You don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.

734. You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.

735. Your local paper has a front-page feature called “Cow-of-the-week”.

736. Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

737. Your biggest decision when packing for vacation is paper or plastic.

738. There are four pair of pants and three squirrels on your clothesline.

739. The family business requires a lookout.

740. You think the phrase “chicken out” means one of your pets has escaped.

741. You slam the door on your truck and the shotgun creates an instant sunroof.

742. You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can ride in the truck.

743. You’ve ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.

744. You’ve ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.

745. You’ve ever named a child after a good dog.

746. You converted your carport into a beauty shop.

747. You think the “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.

748. You’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playing on the sheet metal!”

749. You’ve ever rolled your lawn mower. *

750. Your idea of a summer vacation is running through the sprinkler in the front yard. (Bonus point for being nekked…)

751. Stealing road signs is a family outing.

752. The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean up this place!”

753. You have to forego a haircut because there’s not a clean bowl in the house.

754. You paint your car with house paint.

755. You can eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger in one bite.

756. You’re still upset about “Gunsmoke” being cancelled.

757. You drove yourself to elementary school.

758. You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens. (Bonus points for geese)

759. You’ve ever used duct tape for first aid purposes. *

760. Your sister subscribes to “Soldier of Fortune” magazine.

761. Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.

762. Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.

763. You’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.

764. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

765. You say “I heard dat” more than three times in a two-minute conversation.

766. You know how to milk a goat.

767. Everything you ever won at the fair is hanging from your mirror.

768. You have a tire swing... in your house!

769. Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.

770. You write off a radiator as a business expense.

771. Your best pick up line for women is written on your baseball cap.

772. Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

773. You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.

774. Your kids have a three day old Kool-Aid mustache.

775. You’ve ever taken out a restraining order against your mother-in-law.

776. You sell rabbits out of your car.

777. You hunt rabbits from your front porch.

778. You think people with electricity are uppity.

779. You have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.

780. Your new sofa was on the curb in another part of town yesterday.

781. Your two-year old has more teeth than you do.

782. Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other week.

783. You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.

784. All of your relatives’ cars have “Tag Stolen” signs in the rear window.

785. You wash your car more often than you wash your kids.

786. Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop. *

787. Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.

788. There are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus.

789. Blowing a tire means a new flowerpot for the front yard.

790. Everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.

791. You can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car.

792. Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.

793. You keep a pellet gun by the front door.

794. Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.  (Proof that Saudis are rednecks!)

795. You’ve ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.

796. Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.

797. Your idea of a really big time is shooting rats at the dump.

798. You’ve ever been the first person in or the last person out of a video arcade.

799. There are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.

800. You’ve ever left Santa Claus a PBR and a Slim Jim.