You might be a redneck if. . .

601. You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.

602. Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.

603. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

604. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

605. You have ever emptied the bed of your truck by driving backwards then stomping the brakes.

606. Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

607. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

608. The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."

609. Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.

610. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

611. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

612. Your most productive fishing lure is a DuPont drifter and a dip net.

613. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

614. You think Tang is in the fruit group.

615. You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.

616. You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

617. You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

618. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.

619. You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.

620. You pick up your girlfriend on a bike for the prom.

621. You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

622. You're watching the Beverly Hillbillies and the mention of Granny's pickled owl gizzards throws a craving on you.

623. You think a Dalmatian is a miniature cow.

624. You can legally purchase beer in grade school.

625. You take a foam number 1 finger to a ballet.

626. You think Hootie and the Blowfish is in the aquarium.

627. You think asphalt is a butt disease.

628. You think Hooters is an club for them environmentalist spotted owl watchers.

629. You think coon hunting should be an Olympic sport.

630. You have one all purpose knife for butchering your hogs, shaving, and spreading butter over your sandwiches.

631. Your boss sends you out to buy a load of concrete blocks, and you head for the auto parts store. (If you find them there, your whole town is redneck.)

632. You dry your laundry on the antlers of the deer heads mounted around the house.

633. You own more than 3 shirts with cut-off sleeves.

634. The primary color of your car is Bondo.

635. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

636. You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

637. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

638. You have ever started a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."

639. You call the boss "dude."

640. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

641. You’ve ever worn a cowboy hat to church. *

642. You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

643. You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

644. Your all-time favorite movie is Cannonball Run.

645. You have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.

656. You have a family reunion by watching “America's Most Wanted.”

657. They have to notify next of kin by visiting the state pen.

658. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

659. All of your four letter words are two syllables.

660. Helping your rich cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his double wide.

661. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

662. Lawn ornamentation means a Chevy and a Buick.

663. You actually know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

664. You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

665. You cut your toenails in front of company.

666. You ever cut your grass and found a car.

667. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.

668. You have ever grilled hamburgers at the driver-in theater. *

669. You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks.

670. You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the message "For a good time, call _______" because you feel guilty about putting it there...

671. You have grease under your toenails.

672. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

673. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.

674. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

675. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

676. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

677. After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

678. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

679. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

680. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

681. You've ever cleaned fish in you living room.

682. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

683. Someone says you are lying through your tooth.

684. You wear an evening gown that is strapless with a bra that isn't.

685. Your belt buckle sets off the airport alarm and you aren't even near it.

686. Your home stereo speakers used to belong to the moonlight drive-in theater. * ("surround" speakers on my first stereo...)

687. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

688. You read the auto trader with a highlight pen.

689. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

690. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

691. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

692. You think "Taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

693. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

694. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. (and I don't mean a Swiss Army knife toothpick)

695. You own a denim leisure suit.

696. Your bass boat cost more than your house.

697. Your sister has a child and you can't decide whether to call it brother or son.

698. Your mother has ever won the state hog calling contest.

699. Your grandmother ever won a tobacco spitting contest.

700. You call your wife "the old lady."