You might be a redneck if. . .

501. If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

502. You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

503. Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.

504. Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

505. You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.

506. You're wearing a camouflage jacket and dipping in your driver's license picture.

507. You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonald’s.

508. You save old appliances for children's Christmas presents.

509. You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

510. Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

511. Anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

512. Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.

513. You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.

514. You only bathe when it rains.

515. You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.

516. You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

517. You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

518. You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.

519. You think 'possum is the "other white meat".

520. Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

521. You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

522. You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

523. You put a Clapper on your headlights.

524. You need a dictionary to spell your name.

525. You don't change your socks until the first pair rots off.

526. People ask your wife when her baby's due and she's not pregnant.

527. Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

528. You've ever invited friends over to show off what's left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.

529. You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

530. The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.

531. Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.

532. Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads." * (I read this on a truck in my church parking lot)

533. You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

534. You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.

535. Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.

536. You place a classified asking less than $1.

537. You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.

538. Higher math means counting over 10.

539. The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

540. You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.

541. You re-use dental floss to save money.

542. You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.

543. Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.

544. Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things."

545. You've ever shot a mouse inside your home.

546. Anybody in your family has ever taken a gun into the zoo.

547. Learning to count on your fingers was hard because everybody in your family has a different number.

548. The Christmas lights on your house make the Chevy symbol. *(used to drive past this on the way to town)

549. You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.

550. You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.

551. Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

552. One of the options on your truck is a spittoon.

553. Your house has a kickstand.

554. You drive around a parking lot for fun.

555. Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".

556. You have to duct tape your gloves on.

557. You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.

558. Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.

559. You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

560. Your best coat is a black and red checkered.

561. You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.

562. You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.

563. You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.

564. You take a date to a tractor pull . . . and she likes it!

565. You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance. * (it was ALL we had to do on Saturday night with out a two hour drive)

566. You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.

567. You've ever been given a gun as a present. *

568. Flannel is your favorite color.

569. You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.

570. Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

571. The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.

572. You have got more bumper stickers than children.

573. Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.

574. You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.

575. You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.

576. Your claw foot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.

577. Your claw foot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

578. You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken.

579. There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.

580. Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.

581. One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

582. The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.

583. You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.

584. You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

585. You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them. * (well, in the the back yard really...)

586. You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line. *

587. You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

588. Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

589. Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

590. You have to stop a leak in your flat bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

591. You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

592. You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.

593. The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife....and wave to her.

594. Your wife picks through your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

595. You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

596. You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

597. When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

598. Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

599. You own more than two clappers.

600. You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.