You might be a redneck if. . .

301. Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.

302. You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.

303. You have ever shot a possum on your porch.

304. You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough through the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.

305. You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.

306. You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.

307. You have guns in your house that you cannot find.

308. You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.

309. You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

310. You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.

311. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

312. Your horse wears shoes, but you don't.

313. It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

314. You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.

315. You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.

316. Your dog is your alarm clock.

317. Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

318. You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.

319. You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.

320. You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".

321. You can name all the characters from the "Dukes of Hazzard".

322. You recite lines from "The Dukes of Hazzard".

323. You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

324. It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

325.You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

326. You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store. *

327. You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

328.You've ever shoplifted Spam.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

329. Your son has ever stolen dissected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.

330. You prefer the Sears catalog to Charmin.

331. Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

332. You think deer hunting should be an Olympic sport.

333. You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

334. You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunken mother-in-law from your front lawn.

335. Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

336. You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room. * (sad to say, my wife has always insisted we have a truck with a bed long enough (6'6") for me to do so)

337. None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

338. You are driving the car you were conceived in.

339. You've ever used scissors on food.

340. You've ever re-used a paper plate.

341. Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.

342. When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

343. You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it makes half your guns illegal.

344. You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

345. You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.

346. You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

347. You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

348. Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.

349. You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.

350. You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.

351. You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

352. A tornado goes through your trailer park and makes it look neater.

353. You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

354. You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

355. You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for road-kill.

356. You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.

357. You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

358. You've ever slam-shifted a tractor.

359. You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

360. The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

361. Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.

362. You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

363. You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

364. You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

365. On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

366. Your favorite NASCAR souvenir came from a wreck in turn 3.

367. You have shot more than 1 TV set. * (Hey! don't knock it till you've tried it...)

368. You did not feel bad when Bambi's mother was killed. *

369. You have ever successfully talked your way out of a speeding ticket by arguing that your vehicle is not capable of exceeding the speed limit. * (my dad did... and was right)

370. You have ever stopped traffic in order to get a baseball cap off the road.  Especially if it wasn’t yours.

371. Your preacher has to spit after every two sentences.

372. More people know you by your CB handle than by your real name.

373. The first thing you do after your divorce is scrape your former wife's name off the bug shield on your truck.

374. You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

375. You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.

376. You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.

377. You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.

378. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

379. Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.

380. Your parents don't eat together because they share one pair of dentures.

381. You think rasslin' is real and the Moon Landing was filmed in a desert.

382. Your car is worth less than its license plate.

383. You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.

384. The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."

385. You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

386. You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

387. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

388. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

389. Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

390. The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

391. Your grandmother stands up to pee.

392. A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"

393. You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

394. Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

395. In the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!"

396. You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside you.

397. You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".

398. You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

399. You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

400. You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.