Travel Advisory

Issued by the Southern Tourism

Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And

Northeastern Urbanites:

   1). Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll whup your butt.

   2). Don't laugh at our Southern names: Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Duck, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.  Or we will just HAVE to whup your butt.

   3). Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here.  Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever, it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt whuppin’.

   4). We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner).  We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.  Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or hillbillies, or we'll whup your butt.

   5). We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Sam Walton, Netscape).  Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (i.e., Carter, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb.  We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would whup their butt!

   6). Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.  If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll whup your butt.

   7). We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the h#@% up.  Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll whup your butt.

   8). Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel.  Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee.  Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy.  And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll whup your butt.

   9). Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt whupped.

  10). Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern cesspools like Detroit, Chicago, Philadelphia, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets whupped.

  11). Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.  All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters.  Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll whup your butt.

  12). Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.

None of OUR lakes or rivers has caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll whup your butt all the way back to Boston Harbor.

  13). Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people.  Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll whup some manners into your butt just like they did ours.

  14). So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside?  That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore.

  Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll whup your butt.

  15). Don’t complain about our asphalt roads.  We’ve driven on the Schuykill Express Way, I-95, I-495, The Jersey Turnpike, and all of them.  Remember that I-75, I-85, AND, I-95 ALL have Northbound lanes too, or we’ll have to whup your butt!

  16). Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue.  This will get your butt shot (right after it is whupped).  You're lucky we let you come down here at all.  Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.... Minus your butt!